If we make it, we can all sit back and laugh.

I keep wanting to hurt things. Right now I'm sitting here in tears and it's the best thing I can do. I can feel everything hanging off of me again. All those feelings from before. The ones I thought were gone. I just want to let it all leak out. I can't find a healthy or constructive way to deal with it. I want to smash things, to break things, to vomit, to hurt myself, to just drive aimlessly. Maybe I'll just sit in the shower and cry, then not sleep, No, wait I'll sleep on the front hall, on the couch, as far away from everything as possible. and then, tomorrow, I'll wake up, not talk, clean up the house for the showing. Ask if he wants to be woken up. Remind him the house is being shown, but secretly, I don't care, and I almost hope that he is still lying in bed, asleep, with an erection, when the realtor gets here. Then, I'll drive home, not eat anything, let him take the car to work. Take a nap, do homework, distract myself, go running, and swimming to purge some of this excess.... weight, emotion, stress, hate, whatever it is. Then, I'll just come home, not eat anything, distract myself some more, Get stoned and pass out.

Tuesday, I suppose I'll wake up and do the same thing. I guess I can just be quiet and pretend to be happy. I can just channel all my negative energy into not flunking my classes. Into all the studying, research and homework I've put off and done a poor job on because of everything else that's going on. When I'm not close to failing all of my classes, maybe I'll feel a bit more human. Hah, it almost makes me want to get up early, and go swimming.

God, I hate my body. I can feel it getting bigger all the fucking time and I do nothing to control it. I hate how I miss that one summer, the time when I felt my absolute worst but, aside from my eyes, I looked my best. It makes me wish I liked taking pictures a bit more. I have none from the good times and none from the bad times. I haven't completely lost it yet, and it hate that pinching a finger, and wondering if I should go and vomit. I don't want to start either of these cycles. I know they're bad, I know they're hard to stop. I know I'm teetering on the edge of something, a hole that I don't want to fall down.