If we make it, we can all sit back and laugh.

What I love:

Intelligence.
Humor.
Everything seems to come so easily to you and for you.
You can do things with your hands.
You just let things go.
You can be open.
You show your emotions- all of them. Not just the negatives.
Your faith in everything going right, eventually.
You work so hard to provide for me. I guess because I can't always see it firsthand, I don't really see what you do for me and for us.
You don't let silly things get to you.
You're happy, most of the time.
You find humor in most things.
Your patience and even temper.
Your ability to put up with me. I really don't know how you do it, and that alone is enough to appreciate everything else.
You can cook, well.
You like kids.
The way your eyes see.
How you fit, how we fit, like a puzzle. The way my head fits into your chest, and your body curves around mine, how your arms always find the right spot. If I could stay in those moments, I would be ecstatic. Those are the moments I feel the most peaceful, refreshed, positive, happy and content. It's a place where nothing else matters but now and now isn't a desperate futile grasping at straws trying to make sense of what's going on. It makes me feel safe, it makes me feel wanted.

Things that I hate:

I can't open up.
I only really show negatives. It makes sense to me to follow the logic of "if something is said, then it's wrong" For me, not saying anything means everything is ok. I'm (slowly) starting to realize that everyone needs reinforcement for the good they do, whatever it is, reglardless of its impact.
I don't always feel sincere giving compliments. Maybe it's because they're foreign to me. The compliments, not the sincerity.
I can't see myself the way others see me. That disparity is like a thorn.
I can't let things go, lose things, lose myself and just have a good time.
Most of the time I'm only "okay". I wish my more dominant emotion could be happiness rather than ambivilance.
I wish I was more vocal about my desires. Sometimes I think that they'll sound silly.
It seems I'd rather stay in my shell and have people think I'm cold and flat than just let it all go and really feel- everything, the pain and the joy. I only let myself feel the pain. If nothing hurts then everything is fine.
I know that the things that set me off are insignificant, and stupid and the way I react to them is completely irrational, but I still do it.
We act like roomates instead of an engaged couple. Is everything getting old? Can we let it fall apart like this? I'm not saying this to spring back from yesterday. When you said we're not making any progress, it made sense to me. I've been thinking similar things lately. We seem to be on a plateau. We need to go somewhere, forward or backwards. That's up to us to decide. Maybe I'm being idealistic, but when I picture the future, I see only good things. I probably am, because when I get cynical about it, I see all of the bad. I know this is the last thing you want to hear, but in response to your question last night, where I am right now, when things get rough, I tend to distance myself because I don't want to be hurt. As a result, I hurt others with my absence and the guilt hurts me. I could've, should've been there and dealt with it. I can't hide forever. I don't want to think about my parents dying. Sometimes I'm still a little girl inside and think mommy and daddy will be forever. I know they won't, but I don't like spending time pondering that. I don't want to think about perhaps one of our kids being sick. I would be floored, and distraught, as I'd assume any parent would. And, I suppose, as parents do, they would have to get their shit together, and keep things going. Put on a good, strong front I guess, and don't let anyone catch you down. Keep plugging away, because dwelling on such matters only makes them worse. I'd rather enjoy the time I have with a sick child or loved one than spend all my time staying away trying to avoid the inevitable. Knowing that their days are numbered and mine are not, it would be atrocious on my part to abandon someone on their last legs to avoid facing myself. Abandonment is bad enough, but to be disregarded so close to death is inexcusable my efforts not get hurt myself, I'd be hurting them even more by creating that distance. It takes more strength to stay than it does to go, and I admire those who can do that. I want to be one too. Right now I'm a fountain of youth and everything is forever.

I'm afraid that things are going downhill. Sometimes I don't know where are, what's going on with us or what we're doing. It scares me. Do we have a future? I want one, but I don't know if I'm grasping at straws and letting my inability to quit override logic. I hate quitting. The unknown is foreign. You're the only man I've ever really known, and I'm happy with that. I'm glad to know you and I'm glad to have you in my life.

I guess there are ups and downs to everything, but my lack of experience probably exacerbates this. I've made a pretty big jump and sometimes I question how ready I was for all of this. I've grown up a lot in the past year, and while it may not be visible to you, i've noticed. I've learned a lot and experienced a lot and I want to grow for you. Am I just afraid to be alone after so long? Is it because I don't know where I would go?
Is this too good to be true?

I don't want you to walk on eggshells anymore. It's not ok, and you don't deserve 3/4 of the shit I give you about things that are completely unimportant. I hate how I treat the people I love like shit and will be a saint to a perfect stranger.

In the next 5 years I want to be:

Content, peaceful, settled. Happy with whatever my situation is at the time. I'd like a couple kids. A house. A garden. Maybe another pet? A big yard.

I need to stop doubting myself.
You were right, and you still are. Worrying really doesn't get anyone anywhere. It makes much more sense to just act.

Is this how things are supposed to go? I want the beginning back. Why does bliss have to be so fleeting. Is love really blind?

I hate what gets lost in translation or added on the way to my ears. When you say the person someone finds when they're ready to settle down mean just that, or is it loaded. Were we in the right places at the right time, am I a thing of convenience? Do you really love me? What is love. Am I capable of it? Sometimes I don't know. Sometimes I don't want it, sometimes I need to know that someone cares.

Is this helping or hurting. Are we helping or hurting?

I don't know how to show you that I care. I make simple things complicated and for that I apologize.

Sometimes this feels like a chore, but then I look at the picture of us on the fridge, and see that something is there. We need more of those.